My thoughts on the universe

Jogging

2009-01-28T11:52:00.000-08:00

I jogged last night. And it was an interesting experience for me.

First off, you should know, that right now, in Utah the temperature is about 15 degrees above zero, so, it's soooooooo cold. So, that said, I didn't go jogging outside.

I decided that I would jog in my living room. Interesting.

I scared two of my roommates, and they also laughed at me like I was an idiot. One of them couldn't figure out what I was doing, and when I told her, she laughed for about five minutes.

Oh well. It was worth it. My calves burn like I lit a match in them.

Dating

2009-01-13T19:58:00.001-08:00

OK, so, there has been something that has been bugging me for a little while, and I kind of wanted to talk about it.

As some of you know, the theatre that I have been heavily involved with for the past couple of years just shut its doors forever. Now, that said, I have a LOT of free time on my hands now, and I don't know what to do with myself. The past few years have been spent running around like a chicken with it's head cut off, and now that is all gone. I feel like I don't know anyone in my ward, and kind of like an outsider, so I want to do something about that.

That said. . . let's move on to the real topic at hand. Girls asking guys out on dates.

Like I said, I feel like I don't really know anyone, and I want to rectify that situation. So. . . If I ask one of you on a date, it does not mean that I want to marry you. I know it can be scary when someone asks you out, and you start to wonder how interested they are, and you start to evaluate how interested you are, but I am telling you now, if I want to ask someone out, I'm gonna do it. And it has nothing to do with marrying you. It means that I talked to you, and something made me want to get to know more about you. And there are some things you just can't learn about someone in a group setting. They need to be learned one-on-one. :)

That said. . . I know I have been perpetually unavailable, but, that has now changed. And, I feel like a new person, and I welcome anyone who wants to ask me out on a date.

A Christmas Carol

2008-11-26T09:53:00.001-08:00

Everyone, here is the press release from my theatre about A Christmas Carol. I know that some of you don't live close, but, I would love it if everyone who can would come see my show. It is FREE! :) Hope to see you there. Please note that there are only 6 performances so please call to make a reservation.

Dear Friends,

Last week we announced the opening of "A Christmas Carol" for Nov 28.

However, we've lost our lease and will be leaving the building before the opening of "A Christmas Carol". Owners, Gavin and Sharilyn Grooms, have considered either moving or closing the theatre. We have decided to close. However, our last show "A Christmas Carol the Musical" will continue. We will perform in the brand new 600 seat auditorium at Centennial Middle School in Provo. As a gift to the community the Grooms' have decided to make this a FREE event. The Grooms family are humbled and grateful to the community for their support that has made this experience and theatre successful.

We have decided to take on a new adventure in the state of Florida.

COME AND CELEBRATE WITH US THE TRUE CHRISTMAS SPIRIT AND OUR FINAL PRODUCTION.

Please note the following changes below:

Center Street Musical Theatre announces our final production of "A Christmas Carol" -The Broadway Musical"

When: Dec 12, 13, 18, 19 and 20 @ 8pm + Dec 20 @ 2pm

Where: Centennial Middle School

305 East 2320 North in Provo

Tickets are FREE

Reservations are recommended. Please call 373-4485 .

www.csmtc.com

Thank you very much.

Sincerely,

Gavin and Sharilyn Grooms

Center Street Musical Theatre

Some More Thoughts on Proposition 8

2008-11-20T12:25:00.000-08:00

So. . . I've been keeping my mouth shut, but, I would like to step on a soap box for a moment.

My recent thoughts:

1. I have heard a lot of people compare the issues with gay rights with the civil rights movement, and to me, they are not the same thing. In my opinion, being a homosexual is a moral issue, being black isn't. Now, I'm not saying that gay people are immoral, but, I am saying that being gay goes against my moral values. Now, please note that I said MY moral values. Please don't attack me because I have different morals than your own.

2. I have also heard a lot of talk about how if we are following God's plan, we should love everyone, and let them do what they want, as long as it makes them happy. OK, so, I do love everyone. I am not trying to say that anyone is a bad person for what they believe, and I believe that God loves everyone. But, I don't believe that we can turn a blind eye to something we find morally wrong. Love the sinner, hate the sin.

3. There has also been a lot of talk about how this has been a "peaceful" protest of Proposition 8. And, that is a load. . . I have seen many videos of people who are protesting Prop 8 where they have ripped items out of proposition 8 supporters hands, and thrown them down on the ground and stomped on them. Now, to me that doesn't seem peaceful. Now, I honestly don't know if there has been any violence on my side of the issue, so I'm not going to say there hasn't.

The honest truth is that these are MY opinions. Get mad at me all you want, yell at me, tell me I'm a closed-minded bigot! Whatever. But, the last time I checked, this is the United States of America, and I am entitled, neh, legally allowed, to have my own opinion.

Proposition 8

2008-10-30T08:30:00.000-07:00

OK, so I've been really trying hard to stay away from this topic, but, if you are a Facebook friend, I'm sure you've noticed that I've started posting things about it lately. The more I read and understand it, the more I think it should pass.

First off, I think one thing that people need to know is that THIS IS ABOUT CALIFORNIA. Of course, if it passes there, I'm sure it will move on to other states.

In California, domestic partnerships have the SAME RIGHTS as actual married couples, so this IS NOT about gay rights. This is about something much bigger.

Did you know that in Massachusetts they have started teaching children about gay parents in Kindergarten? And, judges have ruled that parents have NO RIGHT to know what their children are being taught about it. One man was sent to jail because he believed firmly enough in knowing what his children were being taught.

If we don't pass Prop 8 in California, we may lose our rights as parents to decide what our children learn.

Our churches might also lose their tax exempt statuses if they refuse to perform gay marriages.

Guys, I have gay friends, and I love them to death, but this is not about their rights, as they have the same rights. This is about making religious persecution constitutional, and I can't have that on my conscious.

Things I Would Never Do

2008-10-14T15:03:00.000-07:00

As I looked around me this past week, I saw things going on around me that made me very uncomfortable. And, I think part of the reason I am single is because these are things I would never do.

1. I would never tell people I liked a person, and then go to his house to hang out with him and other friends, and cuddle with his roommate, in plain sight of everyone else in the apartment.

2. I would also never cuddle w/ 3 guys in one night, all of which I have no feelings for.

3. I would never throw myself at someone I had no interest in just because someone I know liked them.

OK, I think I'm done ranting.

Hiatus

2008-10-07T08:31:00.001-07:00

So, I haven't posted in a while, and I thought it might be time.

I had some thoughts lately that I wanted to share with you about customer service. I have worked in the food service industry, and also at Walmart and Blockbuster, so I know about good customer service.

Rules to follow:

1. Listen to your customers! ( They shouldn't have to repeat an order 3 times because you weren't listening).

2. Train your staff to always be helpful, courteous, and knowledgeable. (If a customer has to wait an exorbitant amount of time for food, they should know why).

3. Take the extra step. (If a customer wants to know where something is, bring them to it. Don't just point.)

4. Commit to quality service. (If you work at McDonald's or Sizzler, you should still make it a point to have quality service. People remember BAD service long after they forget good service.)

5. Treat people with courtesy and respect. (We all want it, you should give it.)

6. Never argue with a customer. (I know that the customer is NOT always right, but, if you argue with them, they are going to feel more wronged in the end.)

7. Assume that your customers are telling the truth. (Most people don't like to complain. In fact, a lot will go out of their way to avoid it, so take their complaints the way they are meant. They are unhappy. Make them happy.)

On the flip side.

Rules for customers:

1. Know Exactly What You're Complaining About And What Action You Want. (Don't just say, "I'm unhappy. What are you going to do about it?" Have something in mind. And, make sure it is comparable to the problem.)

2. Never Demand To Talk To The Manager. (A lot of times someone else can solve the problem. And, if they can't, ask politely to speak to the manager. People are more likely to want to help you if you're polite.)

3. Address Letters To Individuals. (No "To Whom It May Concern". If you write it to a specific individual, they are more likely to get it.)

4. Keep Your Expectations In Check. (When shopping at WalMart, do not expect a Nordstrom's experience. But, do expect good customer service.)

5. Don't Just Complain. Praise, Too. (Everyone likes compliments. It make hard jobs easier.)

OK, I'm done ranting for the day! :)

Sometimes They Come Back

2008-08-12T14:09:00.000-07:00

I know, I know. . . Sounds like an ominous title, doesn't it? Well, for once it's not. :)

I have just made an observation lately that sometimes friends that you think are lost and never coming back, do come back. And, things CAN be the same again.

I just thought I would share that insight w/ the rest of you.

Letting Go

2008-08-11T12:43:00.000-07:00

There's a song from the Dawson's Creek soundtrack that used to be one of my favorites, and lately, it really has hit me harder than it used to.

Don't call me
Don't write
Don't show up in the middle of the night
You know that
We needed
Some time and space to breathe in

I still recall the words you said to me
It's what you did not say that sets me free
Now how can I find peace of mind when you keep coming back again?
It's not okay for you to play this game of seesaw with my head

Now it hurts too much
And it hits too hard
And I won't play this part

Don't call me
Don't write
Don't show up in the middle of the night
You know that
We needed
Some time and space to breathe in

So now I say the things I want to say
Sometimes it's better letting go this way
I'll always know
Down in my soul
We really had so far to go
I've given all I had to give
And now it's time for me to live
And I won't look back
And I won't regret
Though it hurts like hell
Someday I will forget

Don't call me
Don't write
Don't show up in the middle of the night
You know that
We needed
Some time and space to breathe in

It's funny how we seem to end up here
I never thought I'd see this soul disappear

Don't call me
Don't write
Don't show up in the middle of the night
You know that
We needed
Some time and space to breathe in

And this is letting go
This is letting go
This is letting go
This is letting go

Don't call my, don't write

Don't show up in the middle of the night
To say that you've been thinking
Cause I know it's just a dream getting you.

I don't know why, but I just love those lyrics.

A New Endeavor

2008-07-27T22:40:00.001-07:00

Friends and family. I am embarking on a new endeavor of hand made jewelry. The jewelry items are made with glass beads, semi-precious gemstones, and hypoallergenic accessories. The jewelry comes in a set, with one bracelet, and a pair of pierced earrings. The bracelets fit the average size woman's wrist. The price is $10 for the set. If you don't live in Utah, I am willing to ship for a $2 fee. Please let me know if you see anything you like, and I will try to update the pics on this once or twice a week with new items.

Also, I always carry jewelry with me, so, if I'm around, and you want to look, just ask. :)

Taking a stand!

2008-06-23T13:51:00.000-07:00

Well. . . lately things have been bugging me a lot, and, today, I decided to take a stand for one of them, and I'm really glad I did. It turned out to be just a misunderstanding, so there was no reason for me to be mad in the first place. :) Yea!!!!!

2008-06-19T15:07:00.000-07:00

I am a normal girl. . .

Except when I'm not.

I had the opportunity to go to the Manti pageant last Friday night, and well, let me tell you that I think I really embarrassed myself.

I have to start off by telling you that I had gotten up on Friday morning at 4:30 am because I had to take my mom to the airport. Then, I worked a full day at work without a break. And, had to go home and pack stuff because I am house sitting while my mom is gone visiting my sister. So, by the time we left for the pageant, I was a little bit tired.

The ride there was pretty uneventful, except for the fact that the girl I didn't know who came with us thought I was married w/ children, because I kept referring to "my kids." (BTW, "my kids" are the kids I am directing in Les Mis. It's just easier to say "my kids" then to say, the kids I am directing.)

Anyway, when we actually got to the pageant, that is when the ADD kicked in. After we found a place to sit, all I could think about was cotton candy. I believe one of my sentences consisted of, "Oooo, cotton candy, I want some. . . Check out that cool dog. . . Oh, a live band on a couch, that's cool. . . So, does anyone see the cotton candy stand yet?" And, lets just say that the night continued to progress from there.

I should tell you that when you are watching the Manti pageant, the people running around on the hill in the dark look like ants. And, normally, that probably would affect you, but, when you are running on 4 hours of sleep, and have been awake for about 20 hours, it is pretty dang funny. Also, long, biblical words are very, very humorous, right Barbara?

Anyway, on the ride home, I really got the giggles, and was making the stupidest comments. I think there were more about cotton candy, trail mix, swedish fish, and maybe more. The ride home was kind of a blur. Let's just say that I was very happy to make it home to sleep that night.

2008-04-16T08:39:00.000-07:00

Bowling.

I love bowling.

I went last night for the first time in years. It was a fun night. As most of you know, I injured my wrist last week, so, it was kind of scary to go bowling, but, because of my injury, I was very careful and controlled with my bowling. In the first game, I did ok, I broke 100, but, the second game was spectacular (for me)!! I bowled 157. I think that's the highest score I've had since high school, when I used to go bowling by myself and play, like, 4 or 5 games.

2008-04-15T13:49:00.000-07:00

TAX DAY!!!!!!

Those words bring dread into the hearts of many. But, not this one. I completed filing my taxes the first day of February, and got my taxes in my bank account a week and a half later. Does anyone else find it funny that there is this big deal about the deadline of April 15th, but that it is amazingly easy to file an extension? I think it's pretty funny.

2008-04-08T11:56:00.000-07:00

"Well. . . It was a pretty heavy make out session."

A blank stare from my eyes as my "best"friend uttered these words. She was referring to what happened between her and the man I was in love with. I would come to find out later that "a heavy make out session" meant kissing once, shortly, on the lips, nothing fancy. But, in her rush to make me back off, and hurt me permanently, she called it a heavy make out session. Mission accomplished.

I can honestly say that a lot of the problems I have stem from that moment. I still remember the feeling I had when she said those words. It felt like I was being dropped down a long pit with no safety net at the bottom and no bun-gee cords attached to me. It was a scary feeling. I think I have finally hit the net I was waiting for, and most of the pain is gone.

2007-10-08T09:51:00.001-07:00

You know, I always intend to update this every day, but then stuff happens, and it ends up being every week or two. But, I guess it's OK, because not a lot has happened recently.

First off, my tap teacher asked me to join the more advanced performance group she has. That's the first time in my life I have been asked to join something more advanced, so, that's pretty cool. :)

Second, my boss actually complimented me on my clothing. About two weeks ago he pulled me and Mel aside and told us that when we moved into our new building we needed to start dressing better. So, I went out and bought new work outfits, and he actually complimented me on one of them.

Third, we moved into our new building for work. And, as cold as it is here, it's pretty nice.

And, I have my first rehearsal at the Hale tomorrow night. Scary, but exciting. :)

2007-09-25T09:12:00.000-07:00

Hey everyone! So, I want to tell you about the week that I had, because it was pretty interesting.

First off, on Monday I went and auditioned for A Christmas Carol at The Hale Theatre in Orem. I had auditioned there in the past for Footloose, and I didn't even make a callback (the first time in my life, actually). Well, after I sang, the music director looked at me and asked, "Did you audition for Fiddler on the Roof last year?" Which I had, at the Scera, so I said so. And she looked at me and said, "I thought I recognized you. You have a beautiful voice." So, I of course thanked her. It made me happy that she remembered me. Then they looked at my resume, and the director noticed that I had gone to Western Wyoming, and he started asking me questions about it. I talked to him about it for a few minutes. And then the musical director kind of looked around and said, "We're calling her back, right?" And the director said, "Yes, we're calling you back." Then one of the other people said, "OK, keep your Saturday morning open. We'll be calling you by Friday to tell you where and when." So, thus, I made callbacks at The Hale.

Then, the rest of the week kind of passed in a blur. I had my first tap class on Wednesday night. It was a lot of fun, and I realized that I remembered more than I thought I would.

Friday we had my roommate's sister's birthday party at our apartment, and it was awesome! But, by the time I went to bed I still hadn't heard anything from the theatre. This was really weird. They had specifically told me they were calling me back, and to just wait for call to say where and when. I couldn't fathom why they would tell me that, and then not call me. And, I'll be honest that I went to bed praying hardcore about it. And, I had set my alarm for around 9 to call the box office and see if they knew anything. And, my last thought as I fell asleep while I was praying about it was, "Everything will work out the way it is supposed to. It will all be OK." Well, I woke up wide awake the next morning around 8:40, or so, and decided to grab the phone book and call the box office and see if they knew anything. I found out by calling that they didn't even open until 10. So, I was sitting on my couch deciding what I should do. I thought about making myself breakfast and then calling at 10. But, then the thought hit me, "I should just go. I should just drive by the theatre and see if anyone is there yet this morning. And talk to them." So, I got dressed really quickly and headed over to the theatre. The parking lot was full, so I went downstairs and talked to the stage manager. I told him what happened, and he said, "Just go in." So, I went in, and they were singing Angels We Have Heard On High in parts. They had probably started around 9:30, and I got there about 9:35. I only got to run the song once before she had us go up in groups of 8, two per part, and sing. So, my callback was only the second time I had ever sang the part. Which was kind of weird. After that she had us all sing it in quartets. Then, she told us she was going to call up people to sing it again in quartets, but that it "didn't mean anything", she just wanted to hear some different combinations. I was one of the two altos that she had sing it again. Then she went in and talked to the director for a few minutes and told us we could go, and that we would hear sometime this next week, and that rehearsals weren't going to start until after the first week in October. Well, I found out later that they told people who had been called back for official parts that we would hear by Monday. And, let me tell you, I think it was Divine Inspiration that told me to just go to the theatre. I'm pretty sure that Someone up there heard my prayers. :)

OK, so, yesterday night I went to FHE up the canyon, where I didn't really have phone service. When we got done, I noticed that I had a missed call and a message from a number I didn't recognize. Because we were in the canyon, I had to wait awhile to be able to get the message. But, when I finally got it, it was the stage manager telling me that they wanted to offer me the part of an alto in the choir. There are only 2 altos in the choir, so that's pretty awesome!

OK, so that is my whole week. It pretty much revolved around the Hale auditions. I hope I haven't bored you all with my story. But, I can tell you that I have a stronger testimony of God listening to and answering our prayers. :)

2007-09-14T07:49:00.000-07:00

Wow, I can't believe another week has come and gone already. I feel like it was just Friday yesterday, but, here it is again. Weird. There have been several times this week where I have sat down to write, and then erased everything I have written. It's been quite the week. I have come to some conclusions about myself. First off, when someone hurts me, they don't always mean to. So, I shouldn't take everything that happens as a personal affront to me. Second, no one can make me feel anything I don't want to feel. I am in charge of my own emotions. And, going along with that one, I can decide not to be mad about something. If I just take a second and think before I react, the anger will cool. I know this is probably something most of you learned long ago, but, it took me a long time to learn it. And, I feel like I am a whole different person. Well, kind of, at least. I now know these things, but, it's going to be hard make sure I'm using them all the time.

2007-09-07T06:56:00.001-07:00

No One   by Ally & Aj



I am moving through the crowd
Trying to find myself
Feel like a guitar that's never played
Will someone strum away?

[Chorus]
And I ask myself
Who do I wanna be?
Do I wanna throw away the key?
and invent a whole new me
and I tell myself
No One, No One
Don't wanna be
No One
But me..

You are moving through the crowd
Trying to find yourself
Feel like a doll left on a shelf
Will someone take you down?

[Chorus]
And you ask yourself
Who do I wanna be?
Do I wanna throw away the key?
and invent a whole new me
Gotta tell yourself
No One, No One
Don't wanna be
No One
But me..

Your life lays out on the shadows of the wall
You turn the light on to release it all
You wonder what's it's like to not feel worthless
So open all the blinds and turn those curtains

No One, No One
Don't wanna be
No One
But me..

When you're moving through the crowd...

2007-09-06T15:24:00.000-07:00

Do you ever have something happen that just makes you question . . . well . . . you? I have been walking around and being totally happy with who I am, what I look like, and my strengths and weaknesses, and today all that changed. Something happened that made me wonder if I am alright the way I am. Should I lose weight? Should I get plastic surgery on my face so I can look like every single model in a magazine? Should I put on airs and pretend that I am better than I actually am? Apparently, I should, because that's what it takes to get anywhere in this world.

2007-09-04T10:29:00.000-07:00

OK, so, it's Tuesday, but, essentially it's my Monday after a 3-day weekend. It's kind of weird, because I know it's Tuesday, but my body thinks it's Monday. Oh well, weird.

Anyway, we got two new roommates this weekend, which is going to be interesting. Actually, in the last week we've gotten three new roommates total, so now our apartment is full. This is the first time since last January that we've had a full apartment. We had kind of gotten used to spreading our stuff out, and doing what we liked when we liked. Well, that is going to all change. I'm foreseeing a future of having to schedule events in my apartment weeks in advance. Not used to that. :( Oh well, it will all work out in the end, I guess.

And, guess what! I died my hair again. It's kind of a dark brown color. Now, funny story about that. I went to buy a hair piece for the show I'm in, and they only had two colors, REALLY blonde, or brown. Well, at the time, my hair was kind of a reddish blonde at the time, so, I made a decision to buy a hair piece, and dye my hair to match. Well, I think it turned out alright. I definitely look different. My eyes look even more blue than usual, which is always good.

2007-08-31T07:34:00.000-07:00

OK, so, let's talk about my week this week.

So, Monday was actually a pretty good day. I, of course, worked all day, and then I had a show that night. The show went pretty well. My mom and Grandma came, and they really liked it. After, some friends came over and we watched Phantom of the Opera and ate ice cream.

Tuesday, also a pretty good day. At work, the owner came and started talking to me. I was kind of afraid it was going to be a "We'd really like you to leave" talk. Thankfully, it wasn't. He told me that they really like me, and started to talk to me about the new office we are moving into very soon. Also I'd say it was one of the most productive of the week. After work I went home and cleaned until about 11 with my roommate. We were getting a new roommate, so we wanted to make sure our apt looked nice, and that there was room for her in any of the bedrooms. (A side note on this day that will affect the rest of the week. During cleaning we had to unplug my alarm clock and move it. I plugged it back in and set the time.)

So, Wednesday morning dawned bright and early with me lying in my bed thinking about how rested I felt for not getting a lot of sleep. As I was laying there I was wondering what time it was and how long it would be before my alarm went off. So, I put on my glasses and looked at the clock, and I believe the first words out of my mouth were "What the crap? You've gotta be freakin' kidding me!" The clock said that it was 8:54, which means I was almost two hours late to work! Well, the first thing I did was get on my cell phone and call my supervisor. When I told her the story, she just laughed and told me that the same thing happened to her every morning. This made me feel a little better, but, I still was very frustrated. The day after Frank tells me they like me, I go and sleep in. But, because of the extra sleep, I did feel much better and more rested. I'll tell ya, though, I got ready so fast that morning. :)

OK, so, Thursday, all in all it wasn't really a bad day. That is, until I was on the phone with FedEx and started crying. I'm not exactly sure what set me off, but, as I was talking I could feel my face getting hot, and then I started crying. I had to hang up on the lady, and go into my supervisor's office, and she had to finish the call for me, because I couldn't even talk. That was so weird.

Anyway, it's Friday now, and we are about to enter in to a 3-day-weekend, and I'm stoked!

2007-08-27T12:11:00.000-07:00

K, here is an article that describes me to a "t".

The Quirkyalone
Loners are the last true romantics
—By Sasha Cagen, To-Do List (www.todolistmagazine.com)
September/October 2000 Issue

I am, perhaps, what you might call deeply single. Almost never ever in a relationship. Until recently, I wondered if there might be something weird about me. But then lonely romantics began to grace the covers of TV Guide and Mademoiselle. From Ally McBeal to Sex in the City, a spotlight came to shine on the forever single. If these shows had touched such a nerve in our culture, I began to think, perhaps I was not so alone after all. The morning after New Year's Eve (another kissless one, of course), a certain jumble of syllables came to me. When I told my friends about my idea, their faces lit up with instant recognition: the quirkyalone.

If Jung was right, that people are different in fundamental ways that drive them from within, then the quirkyalone is simply to be added to the pantheon of personality types collected over the 20th century. Only now, when the idea of marrying at age 20 has become thoroughly passÈ, are we quirkyalones emerging in greater numbers.

We are the puzzle pieces who seldom fit with other puzzle pieces. Romantics, idealists, eccentrics, we inhabit single-dom as our natural resting state. In a world where proms and marriage define the social order, we are, by force of our personalities and inner strength, rebels.

For the quirkyalone, there is no patience for dating just for the sake of not being alone. We want a miracle. Out of millions, we have to find the one who will understand.

Better to be untethered and open to possibility: living for the exhilaration of meeting someone new, of not knowing what the night will bring. We quirkyalones seek momentous meetings.

By the same token, being alone is understood as a wellspring of feeling and experience. There is a bittersweet fondness for silence. All those nights alone--they bring insight.

Sometimes, though, we wonder if we have painted ourselves into a corner. Standards that started out high only become higher once you realize the contours of this existence. When we do find a match, we verge on obsessive--or we resist.

And so, a community of like-minded souls is essential. Since fellow quirkyalones are not abundant (we are probably less than 5 percent of the population), I recommend reading the patron saint of solitude: German poet Rainer Maria Rilke. Even 100 years after its publication, Letters to a Young Poet still feels like it was written for us: "You should not let yourself be confused in your solitude by the fact that there is something in you that wants to break out of it," Rilke writes. "People have (with the help of conventions) oriented all their solutions toward the easy and toward the easiest side of easy, but it is clear that we must hold to that which is difficult."

Rilke is right. Being quirkyalone can be difficult. Everyone else is part of a couple! Still, there are advantages. No one can take our lives away by breaking up with us. Instead of sacrificing our social constellation for the one all-consuming individual, we seek empathy from friends. We have significant others.

And so, when my friend asks me if being quirkyalone is a life sentence, I say, yes, at the core, one is always quirkyalone. But when one quirkyalone finds another, oooh la la. The earth quakes.

2007-08-20T08:54:00.000-07:00

Well, I had another dream last night. I don't think it's prophetic in any way this time, but, it was really weird. Part of the dream involved people I work with right now. One of them was one of my bosses. In my dream he was EVIL. He locked us in the basement at my work (which, by the way, doesn't exist in real life) and tried to kill us. In my dream I swore at him. I called him something I have never called someone to their face. It was really odd. Also, this boy that I work with that I enjoy looking at was in the dream, too. And, in the dream, we were friends. :) Side note about that, this morning when he came in to work, he smiled at me a lot bigger than usual.

The moral of this story: I think I need to start going to bed earlier and getting more restful sleep.

2007-08-17T10:01:00.000-07:00

OK, so, here's a thought to start out your Friday. They say "the road to hell is paved with good intentions", but, my roommate and I say "the road to hell is paved with justifications."

We came up with this a couple of weeks ago while talking about going to church the next morning. I remember saying something like, "Well, I'll see how I feel in the morning. If I don't feel well, I won't go." And then, it kind of hit us. How often have you made a justification for not doing something you should do? And, at the time, it seems fine. But, small things make a big impact in the long run. I have found, as I make excuses not to go to church, it becomes easier and easier to make them every week. That's just a thought for all you out there.

Also, I have been thinking about forgiveness a lot lately. Heaven knows I'm not very good at it. It is one of my biggest struggles. The Savior said, "Do these things to the least of my brethren and ye do them to me. Do not do these things to the least of my brethren, and ye have not done them to me." For some reason, that really hit me yesterday. So, that means, if we don't forgive people, it's like not forgiving the Savior. How would that be? To do everything right in your life, but to not forgive someone of some petty wrong, and to make it to Heaven and be told you can't pass into the Celestial kingdom, because of that lack of forgiveness. It kind of puts a whole new perspective on things, doesn't it?

2007-08-14T11:55:00.001-07:00

OK, so I usually try not to complain, or rant and rave about things, but, today I need to. Here are my pet peeves for the day:

-People who expect different results from doing the same damn thing over again. Anyone who has taken science can tell you, the same experiments almost always produce the same results.

-Boys who play games

-Girls who play games

-People who don't know what they want

-People who expect you to read their mind

-People who only talk to you on your birthday, or theirs

-Losing contact

-Not being able to put into words the way you really feel, and then feeling like an idiot for it

-Bad customer service

-Rude people

OK, I'm done ranting. Carry on. . .

2007-08-10T10:06:00.000-07:00

Feedback for a song I wrote, please.

You Loved Me Anyway

I was lost and Lonely
Didn't understand your plan
I didn't know how you could do it
You were just a man

You loved me anyway
When I couldn't love myself
You were by my side
I am never alone

I was in the darkness
But you could still see me
You reached out your hand
Now I understand

You loved me anyway
When I couldn't love myself
You were by my side
I am never alone

I was blind, now I see
You brought out the Spirit in me

You loved me anyway
When I couldn't love myself
You were by my side
I am never alone

2007-08-10T07:30:00.001-07:00

Well, I just heard the news on the radio. President Faust passed away this morning. Very sad. :( He will definitely be missed.

2007-08-09T13:21:00.000-07:00

Another day, another dollar, right? Well, I just found out they are going to make my job even harder, and add on more stuff for me to do, but, no pay raise. Just, "Oh, you're going to learn to do Mel's job. New receptionist? Not yet. Just deal with it for a couple of months." Ha! Right! Like I don't have enough to do already. And, to top it all off, my computer sucks! It is sooooooooo slllllooooowwww.

Anyway. . . On to other news. . .

I think I'm becoming a totally different person. I mean, not literally. :) But, a lot of the things that used to bug me, don't bug me anymore, and a lot of the things that never would have bothered me in the past, almost bring me to tears. What is it with my life right now? I've been trying to be a better person. You know, going to church, reading my scriptures, saying my prayers, and not watching rated "R" movies. But, I still can't explain how it's changing me. I'm sure it's a good thing.

2007-08-08T07:45:00.001-07:00

Well, it's Wednesday morning, and, well, it feels like it should be Friday. It has been a long hard week already. Sad day, I still have two more days of work before I get a day of rest, plus a night of rehearsal. Oh well, anyway. . .

Those of you who read this blog often will note that I have had several dreams that were prophetic. I actually have them quite a lot, but I don't usually remember them until I have feelings of deja vu. Well, I had one of those dreams last night, I think. I don't want to be too personal on here, but, it involved a boy, and that's about all I'm going to say. It was one of those dreams that is so real that when you wake up, you don't realize it was just a dream until about the time you start eating your breakfast, or when you're halfway through your shower. And, I think a lot of you will know what I'm talking about.

Anywho. . . So, it's been kind of weird the past couple of days. I think I'm going through one of my "girly" phases. I wake up, and the first thing I think about is what I'm going to wear that day. If you know me, you know that is not me. I never care about what I'm wearing, or what I look like. But, this morning, I couldn't find the skirt I wanted to wear, and I almost cried. I mean, it's not like I don't have other black skirts, I just really wanted to wear this one. Usually, when I get up, the first thing I do is put my contacts in, then throw my hair in a pony tail, and then go and just grab the first clean clothes I can find. This morning I was almost late to work because I actually took time to style my hair, and pick out nice clothes. I just don't understand it. . . I feel exactly the same as I always did, but, it's like, inside, I'm starting to care what people think of me, which has never happened before. I've always been my own person, who wears what she wants, when she wants. Who cares if my clothes match or not? Certainly not me. But, apparently my sub-conscious cares. :P

Anyway. . . Moving on. I think that's all I need to rant about today.

2007-08-07T08:27:00.000-07:00

So, it's been an odd couple of months. My last post was in Mid June, and quite a bit has happened since then. Anyone who reads this will note that I deleted that last post, and a couple others that it pertained to. I just didn't want that private part of my life out there anymore, you know?

Anyway, something interesting happened to me this morning. I signed in to gmail, like I do every morning, and I saw a link at the top of the page that interested me. Anyone who uses gmail knows that they post links to recent news stories on the top of the page, and, every so often, I click on one. The one this morning was about a shooting in Newark New Jersey. Four kids, not much younger than I, got shot. Three died almost instantly, and another is in the hospital in critical condition, after being shot in the head. I was reading this at my desk, and I just started crying. Now, I'm a pretty emotional person, and a lot of things will make me cry, but, this just hurt. They interviewed members of the victims families, and I just wanted to be there with them.

So much bad stuff has happened lately in our world. This was just the proverbial icing on the cake. I don't know, maybe I care too much, but, sometimes it's really hard to get up in the morning knowing that it's just going to be another day where something really bad will happen. Most of the time we all just live in our happy little worlds, not even knowing what is going on around us. I guess that what really makes me sad is the fact that, most of us haven't experienced any of these tragedies first hand, but a lot of us are walking around acting like we got the short end of the stick. Maybe I'm not married, but I'm alive, and I live a relatively good life. I have lots of friends who care about me. My family loves me.

The end is near, but, my end isn't.

2007-06-18T11:40:00.001-07:00

2007-06-11T08:15:00.000-07:00

So, I've thought about a lot this weekend. The main thing that has been on my mind, though, is loss. I've kind of decided that when I go, I don't want to have any "unfinished business" so to speak. I'm going to start telling people about how I feel about them right away, so I feel no need to stay on this plane and try to tell them.

2007-06-07T08:41:00.000-07:00

2007-03-23T14:03:00.000-07:00

I made it almost a whole week without posting. Weird. Not much to say, except for I am having major exhaustion issues. I don't think I'll ever be rehearsing a show while running a show at the same time again. It is definitely not a good idea. I spend most of my days in a haze and most of my nights hopped up on energy drinks.

Weird. . .

2007-03-19T10:24:00.000-07:00

So, I had another weird dream this weekend. . . I dreamed that my director for Guys and Dolls and I got in a fight over tattoos. In the dream, he told me that the reason I didn't get a bigger part in the show is because I have a tattoo on my leg. He told me that directors don't cast people with tattoos. Weird. I didn't even know that I was bugged about this until my dream. I guess it goes to show that your subconscious really is working all the time.

Also, opening weekend went pretty well. Friday night was amazing! The audience was so with us. They laughed at things that I didn't even realize were funny. It was kind of cool. And, Saturday's audience was pretty good, too. Our performance was not quite as good, but, one scene, with me, Adam and Danielle went the best it's ever been. We walked off stage and all that Danielle and I could say was how on we were. It was pretty cool.

2007-03-15T08:47:00.000-07:00

Do you ever find yourself in the middle of a dream that is so real that when you wake up you have to talk yourself out of it? Well, that happened to me last night. I had a dream about a guy that I really like, really love, actually. In the dream, we were dating, and it was really good. It was so good, that when I woke up I thought it actually happened. It wasn't until I was brushing my teeth that I figured out the truth. My mind made the whole thing up. Sad day. :(

On a lighter note, Guys and Dolls opens tomorrow night. AAAAUUUGGGHHH!!! I'm really nervous. I know everything is starting to pull together, and that makes me happy, but I'm still scared.

2007-03-14T10:12:00.000-07:00

I think I am at a new level of tired. Just thinking about typing gives me dyslexia of the brain, but, I guess it's ok.

Last night we got out of rehearsal earlier than Monday, but it still wasn't super early. We were done running the show by a little after 10, but, we had notes that lasted until after 11. So, suffice it to say, I didn't get to sleep before midnight. But, I have kind of reached a point where I am getting giggly, and stupid. Trying to focus on work is rough right now.

I finally got my costumes for the play on Monday night, and my Havana costume is HOT, if I do say myself. I also am a cowgirl in the first scene, and that is pretty cool, also.

Wow, not much to say. I wish I was more interesting today, but my synapses are not quite firing right. :)

2007-03-13T07:39:00.000-07:00

Good Morning!!

Let me tell you, I am so tired, but happy to be alive. :)

Last night I had rehearsal sooooooo late. I got there at 6, but I didn't get home until after midnight. And, by the time I got to sleep it was after 1, so, this morning when my alarm went off, I wanted to die. But, I got up anyway, and here I am, at work.

OK, so I have said that I love being single, but, sometimes, I just want to have somebody. It would be nice to have someone to come home to on those late nights who actually realized I was gone. My roommates are great, but, it's just not the same.

Anyway, moving on to something else. . .

I spent about an hour and a half on my floor curling my hair yesterday, and I have never felt so attractive. I curled it for rehearsal, and, let me tell you, I looked hot. I wore my bright blue Los Hermanos shirt, which makes my eyes look amazing, and my cowboy hat (kind of cheesy, but it looked cool). It was the best I've felt in a long time. I think I need to do my hair more often. Once I'm able to go to sleep early again maybe I'll start getting up early to do my hair.

2007-03-12T11:27:00.000-07:00

Well, I lost my battle with the vending machine, Friday and today. It's those big pink frosted cookies, they get me every time. :(

K, so a conversation I had Friday night.
"You thought you were smart."
"But then you came to BYU."
"You thought you were talented."
"But then you came to BYU."
"You thought you were spiritual."
"But then you cam to BYU."
"You thought you were attractive."
"But then you came to BYU."
This conversation went on and on for about 20 minutes. I always thought this was pretty funny, but Jen thought it was even more hilarious than I did.
But, you know, it's very true. BYU is a very good school, but it always seems like your best isn't good enough. You're always surrounded by people who are much better at things than you are. I mean, there aren't many people who go to BYU who didn't have a 4.0 in high school. Or who haven't played the piano for, like, 20 years. Or, who were their Laurel presidents. It's kind of daunting sometimes. It's not like other colleges in that way. At other colleges, there are always the people who have parents paying for them, and never do anything, and they manage to basically sleep through school for 4 or 5 years. But, at BYU, if you don't get good enough grades, they put you on academic probation and kick you out if you can't get your act together. Sad, but true.

Anyway. Fun weekend of lots of rehearsal. :) We open on Friday night, and I'm kind of scared about it pulling together. I know it will, because it always does, but, it still scares me. :(

2007-03-09T07:50:00.000-08:00

K,
So, apparently I am fighting a losing battle with the candy machine at work. I made it all day yesterday without purchasing anything. But, I had a bag of apples at my desk, and every time I had an urge to grab my wallet, I grabbed an apple instead. But, sadly, I am out of apples today, and the machine is now calling my name, and I'm afraid I'm going to heed to its beckoning. :(

And, that one thing that I told that one person, I don't think I should have, because now I'm hurt. And, it's not their fault, I think I hurt myself. I don't want to be sad about it, but I am. Every time I look at them, it makes me more sad. Ah well, life goes on.

Things that must go:
Middle school boys who don't wash their hair.
Late rehearsals.
Missing someone you can't have.
Candy machines!! :)

Things that must stay:
Warm fleece blankets.
Sleeping in.
Early rehearsals.
Bootleg jeans.

2007-03-08T09:41:00.000-08:00

K Guys!

It's been a while since I've posted a blog on here, so lots has happened in my life. But, I'll skip to the good parts.

First off. . . In May I got a new job at a car dealership. And while it was fun, at first, now I'm totally over it. I love the people I work with, but I'm totally ready to move on.

Second. . . My love life is still non-existent. I've liked some boys, but, alas, things have gone nowhere. Also, I'm still kind of pining over that one guy from a long time ago. I'm mostly moved on, but, I still think about him sometimes.

OK, enough of that. I'm on to other things.
Things that must go:
Salesmen getting mad at me because they didn't do their job right in the first place.
Being 8 days from opening night and having no costumes. But, not the director's fault. :(
Being in the "friend zone". Anyone else who has been or is there will no exactly what I mean. If you don't know, you're a lucky person. Hope you never do find out.
Contact lenses and glasses. 'nuff said.
Skinny jeans.
Girls jeans on boys!! Ewe!!
Angry customers.
Boys who have longer hair than I do. And now that's a pretty big thing, because my hair is getting long. :)
Having uncontrollable crying or laughing fits.

Things that must stay:
Cute boys.
Happy co-workers.
Flowers.
Photos.
Chicken burritos with green sauce from Cafe Rio.
Fuji Apples.
Sugar Babies.
Oranges.
Long hair on me. :)

2006-02-11T23:27:00.000-08:00

Ok, so it's 12:30 on a Saturday night, and I'm sitting at my computer, thinking. I find this happens more and more often recently. I thinking about how I hate guys and the way they treat me and my friends. My roommate just had her heart broken, and it kills me. Now, I often find myself playing the part of the older sister with this roommate because I am a considerable amount older than her, and I thinking about taking it a step further. I'm thinking I'm going to start pulling her respective suitors aside and saying, "If you hurt her, I'll rip your f-ing balls off." Lets see how many times her heart gets broken when I start doing that. LOL

I guess I'm not in the best mindset toward guys right now anyway, but, I'm in better shape than she is, and it makes me soooooo mad. Guys, don't you know what you do to us. Why does everything have to be a stupid game? Why can't you just tell us how you feel, so neither one of us has to get our hearts broken?

All That I've Got

So deep that it didn't even bleed and catch me
I'm caught red-handed now I'm far from lonely
I sleep I still see you lying next to me
So deep that it didn't even bleed and catch me

I need something else would someone please just give me
Hit me, knock me out and let me go back to sleep
I can laugh all inside I still am empty
So deep, that it didn't even bleed and catch me

I'll be just fine, pretending I'm not
I'm far from lonely and it's all that I've got
I'll be just fine, pretending I'm not
I'm far from lonely and it's all that I've got

I guess I remember every clench you shot me
Unharmed I'm losing weight and somebody keeped
I swore so hard I stopped your heart from beating
So deep that I didn't even scream and F- me

I'll be just fine, pretending I'm not
I'm far from lonely and it's all that I've got
I'll be just fine, pretending I'm not
I'm far from lonely and it's all that I've got

So deep, that it didn't even bleed and catch me
So deep that I didn't even scream and F- me

Good night all

2006-02-05T19:26:00.000-08:00

AAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!

I really hate playing games, especially w/ members of the opposite sex. Why can't things just be straightforward? "Hey, I like you, I think we should go out." "Yeah, that sounds like a really good idea. When are you going to pick me up?" Why can't it be that simple? Dumb, dumb, dumb, stupid!!!!!!!!!!

I'm so afraid to put my heart on the platter to see what happens. I'm not sure I want it to be cut into pieces again, as it has been so many times before. And, I'm tired of certain roommates who will remain nameless who are engaged, who flirt w/ the guys I like. It's just not fair!! I guess I'm just really tired of everything right now. AHHH!!!!

2006-01-16T00:04:00.000-08:00

All right. I'm not in the habit of perusing others blogs and stealing their ideas. But, I came across this tonight, and it really says how I am feeling, so I'm going to borrow it.

Dear God,

My name is Amber, I know you know me, I live at ____ right next to ___________. Perhaps you've looked down and seen me? This Christmas season I have perpared a list of things that I would like; feel free to give me that which is just and deserved.

1. A passion for something, anything. I'm not particular, I just want a reason tto make me anxious to arise in the morning.
2. A realization that there is a world outside of my own head; and a willingness to care for those who share it with me.
3. A best friend. Someone who calls me up if they didn't talk to me the day before because they missed me.
4. Someone to whom I can't wait to talk to every day, hopefully the same as the person in #3.
5. The strength of will to do what is difficult-or undesireable, but right.
6. A job that I enjoy, with a group of people that make me want to be a better person.
7. To feel good about using my temple recommend and all that is entailed in that.
8. To like myself.
9. A knowledge of what I should do with my life and how I should get there.

I appologize if these are somewhat related and are difficult to resolve without giving me everything else on the list. I guess that's just my way of making sure you give me everything on the list. I hope you and your family are well this Christmas season, and that I shall be able to talk with you again before next Christmas, say hello to everyone for me.

-Amber

p.s. I thought of a 10th, please forgive me.

2006-01-14T23:37:00.000-08:00

So, I find that in the middle of the night I tend to wax poetic and start thinking a lot about things, when I should be going to sleep because I have church at 8:30 in the morning.
Well, here's the thing, I really hate being dependent on people, because all the people I have loved in my life have walked out on me early on, so I don't trust anyone. And, when I find myself starting to like someone and wanting to trust them, they do something to make me not trust them and the cycle starts all over again.

Damn!

2006-01-14T13:25:00.000-08:00

K. So. My life is so weird right now.

I find I spend a lot of time missing what I had with a special someone a few months ago, and, no matter how I try, moving on is the hardest thing in the world. And, I chopped off all my hair now, so I'm sure people must think I'm a lesbian. AHHHHHH........!

Anyway, I've discovered lately that I am as good as I think I am. I have spent almost 26 years of my life in a dark place called "LOW SELF ESTEEM", but, I'm slowly finding my way out of that place. It's amazing. All it really takes is finding out who you are, and then life is wonderful.

I may miss a certain boy very much, and may find myself talking myself out of texting or calling him every night. But, I know that it will all be ok.

And, one of my good friends is in Colorado right now, and I miss her. Happy birthday Vero!!

2006-01-02T22:28:00.000-08:00

"You say you fell while holding diamonds in your hands.
It's your fault for running holding diamonds, I said.
I offer no sympathy for that.
I hear that it was you who died alone.
And I offer no sympathy for that,
better off I sparkle on my own.

Someday, love will find me,
in the rough.
Someday, love will finally
be enough.

I turned around 3 times and wound up at your door.
Now you say, you know all you did not know before.
And I offer no sympathy for that.
I hear that it was you who died alone.
I offer no sympathy for that,
better off I sparkle on my own.

Someday, love will find me,
in the rough.
Someday, love will finally
be enough.

I got your love letters.
I threw them all away and
I hear you think that I'm crazy.
I'm driving 95 and
I'm driving you away.
I shine a little more lately."

2005-08-03T13:12:00.000-07:00

Hey there bloggers.

Well, this is my new blog spot, so, I guess I should tell you about my wild and crazy life.

First off. . . Isn't this comic great? If only having kids was that easy.

Anyway. My life right now it pretty good. I have a good job, a good boyfriend (and believe me, it's been a long time), and good roommates. Life is good.

Well. I guess that's all for now.

Have a great one.