Ok, so it's 12:30 on a Saturday night, and I'm sitting at my computer, thinking. I find this happens more and more often recently. I thinking about how I hate guys and the way they treat me and my friends. My roommate just had her heart broken, and it kills me. Now, I often find myself playing the part of the older sister with this roommate because I am a considerable amount older than her, and I thinking about taking it a step further. I'm thinking I'm going to start pulling her respective suitors aside and saying, "If you hurt her, I'll rip your f-ing balls off." Lets see how many times her heart gets broken when I start doing that. LOL

I guess I'm not in the best mindset toward guys right now anyway, but, I'm in better shape than she is, and it makes me soooooo mad. Guys, don't you know what you do to us. Why does everything have to be a stupid game? Why can't you just tell us how you feel, so neither one of us has to get our hearts broken?



All That I've Got

So deep that it didn't even bleed and catch me
I'm caught red-handed now I'm far from lonely
I sleep I still see you lying next to me
So deep that it didn't even bleed and catch me

I need something else would someone please just give me
Hit me, knock me out and let me go back to sleep
I can laugh all inside I still am empty
So deep, that it didn't even bleed and catch me

I'll be just fine, pretending I'm not
I'm far from lonely and it's all that I've got
I'll be just fine, pretending I'm not
I'm far from lonely and it's all that I've got

I guess I remember every clench you shot me
Unharmed I'm losing weight and somebody keeped
I swore so hard I stopped your heart from beating
So deep that I didn't even scream and F- me

I'll be just fine, pretending I'm not
I'm far from lonely and it's all that I've got
I'll be just fine, pretending I'm not
I'm far from lonely and it's all that I've got

So deep, that it didn't even bleed and catch me
So deep that I didn't even scream and F- me



Good night all

AAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!

I really hate playing games, especially w/ members of the opposite sex. Why can't things just be straightforward? "Hey, I like you, I think we should go out." "Yeah, that sounds like a really good idea. When are you going to pick me up?" Why can't it be that simple? Dumb, dumb, dumb, stupid!!!!!!!!!!

I'm so afraid to put my heart on the platter to see what happens. I'm not sure I want it to be cut into pieces again, as it has been so many times before. And, I'm tired of certain roommates who will remain nameless who are engaged, who flirt w/ the guys I like. It's just not fair!! I guess I'm just really tired of everything right now. AHHH!!!!

All right. I'm not in the habit of perusing others blogs and stealing their ideas. But, I came across this tonight, and it really says how I am feeling, so I'm going to borrow it.

Dear God,

My name is Amber, I know you know me, I live at ____ right next to ___________. Perhaps you've looked down and seen me? This Christmas season I have perpared a list of things that I would like; feel free to give me that which is just and deserved.

1. A passion for something, anything. I'm not particular, I just want a reason tto make me anxious to arise in the morning.
2. A realization that there is a world outside of my own head; and a willingness to care for those who share it with me.
3. A best friend. Someone who calls me up if they didn't talk to me the day before because they missed me.
4. Someone to whom I can't wait to talk to every day, hopefully the same as the person in #3.
5. The strength of will to do what is difficult-or undesireable, but right.
6. A job that I enjoy, with a group of people that make me want to be a better person.
7. To feel good about using my temple recommend and all that is entailed in that.
8. To like myself.
9. A knowledge of what I should do with my life and how I should get there.

I appologize if these are somewhat related and are difficult to resolve without giving me everything else on the list. I guess that's just my way of making sure you give me everything on the list. I hope you and your family are well this Christmas season, and that I shall be able to talk with you again before next Christmas, say hello to everyone for me.

-Amber

p.s. I thought of a 10th, please forgive me.

So, I find that in the middle of the night I tend to wax poetic and start thinking a lot about things, when I should be going to sleep because I have church at 8:30 in the morning.
Well, here's the thing, I really hate being dependent on people, because all the people I have loved in my life have walked out on me early on, so I don't trust anyone. And, when I find myself starting to like someone and wanting to trust them, they do something to make me not trust them and the cycle starts all over again.

Damn!

K. So. My life is so weird right now.

I find I spend a lot of time missing what I had with a special someone a few months ago, and, no matter how I try, moving on is the hardest thing in the world. And, I chopped off all my hair now, so I'm sure people must think I'm a lesbian. AHHHHHH........!

Anyway, I've discovered lately that I am as good as I think I am. I have spent almost 26 years of my life in a dark place called "LOW SELF ESTEEM", but, I'm slowly finding my way out of that place. It's amazing. All it really takes is finding out who you are, and then life is wonderful.

I may miss a certain boy very much, and may find myself talking myself out of texting or calling him every night. But, I know that it will all be ok.

And, one of my good friends is in Colorado right now, and I miss her. Happy birthday Vero!!

"You say you fell while holding diamonds in your hands.
It's your fault for running holding diamonds, I said.
I offer no sympathy for that.
I hear that it was you who died alone.
And I offer no sympathy for that,
better off I sparkle on my own.

Someday, love will find me,
in the rough.
Someday, love will finally
be enough.

I turned around 3 times and wound up at your door.
Now you say, you know all you did not know before.
And I offer no sympathy for that.
I hear that it was you who died alone.
I offer no sympathy for that,
better off I sparkle on my own.

Someday, love will find me,
in the rough.
Someday, love will finally
be enough.

I got your love letters.
I threw them all away and
I hear you think that I'm crazy.
I'm driving 95 and
I'm driving you away.
I shine a little more lately."